Emotions and pressure

This time is characterized by many deadlines which I am in the process of overcoming, but there is a lot on my mind and I find it extremely hard to concentrate. In stead I find myself wishing me away from this hectic environment. At same time it gives me a sense of achievement to push on and really score high despite many consecutive deadlines. Being better, being more calm and in good shape is three things that counts for me in these challenging times.

I also feel a much greater need to be in contact with Anne and my family to have something steady to hold on to in an everyday where my focus is required to shift by the hour.

The "creation" of grades only motivates me vagely, therefore I see my self looking up opportunities where I can add tangible value. This is good as well as a curse since it gives me more to see in a time where I might would want more time for my self. What I have seen my self cut back on when under pressure is the maintenance of more distant relationships, focusing on core things: my self, school work, and family+Anne. I am clear about the importance and strength of these three factors. Just as much as I miss them a fell home sick, then at the same time I am greatly motivated by the outlook to go home to them. The latter supports me and gives me a much needed push to achieve the goals which I am here for. 

Clarity in a state of information overload

Everything has been so hectic in the months since I moved to Iceland, the culture shock has come and gone, the practicalities has been taken care of and a state of stability is coming to me as I am again becoming used to the life as a student.

One significant event happened thursday evening when I was in the pool with Marc. As he also has a girlfriend in Germany this was a topic which we were exploring, and it was him who said the words which has given me an understanding for living together apart and shared with me some insights how to tolerate the hardship of being without loved ones in the everyday. The exact words I don't remember, but the clarity that I feel now also gives a reassurance and confidence which make it easier for me to enjoy the moments here.

The learning curve here is so steep, one thing is being back in university. A completely different thing is being abroad again, and even though I am in the same university, in the same city, seeing some of the same people, the experience unlike my 2006 experience in nearly every way. I feel more mature and responsible now, I feel a great loss not being with Rasmus seeing him walk, hearing him talk, I miss Anne and the love we share, and I miss my family in a way I did not experience any time before. Therefore what I learned thursday is only more important, because it gives me a chance to harvest more learning, build a stronger character and develop myself in new ways.

So,

Thank you Anne, for being always so loving, caring and honest with me, I feel loved. I love you too

Thank you mom, for being there on Skype, for listening and participating

Thank you dad, for all the sweet updates, for putting Rasmus in front of the webcam. I miss you

Thank you Anders, for listning to me, our brotherhood is unbreakable

Thank you Jeppe, you are an awesome challenge and you and I will go far and deep in our discussions

Thank you Marc, for giving me much needed clarity and giving me a new chance to love Reykjavik

Rejuvenation

Noone can live in a vacuum, without deep and sincere personal relationships one will have a hard time to thrive, since the meaning and recognition from people of the "inner circle" are a primary source to life and motivation. 

I have felt this very hard, though I am enjoying many aspects of my daliy life here in Reykjavik, I cannot help to feel a little closer to exhaustion every day. This comes from the fact that I have no where to recharge but in Denmark, where currently all the people who hold the capacity lives.

This I have realized from having just been home, this was energizing, rejuvenating and reaffirming, it boosted my confidence and more importantly many of my negatively charged assumptions were deflated.

In the time before I came home I was increasingly setting assuming, and in hindsigt overestimating, the trade-off's, of being in Reykjavik. The solitude also has made me more determined to hold on to Anne and continue to honestly share with her my concerns, I did this now and it contributed very much to my decision-making effort which had become the primary goal of this trip home.

I learned what I aimed for and now, being rejuvenated, I am ready for another couple of months in Reykjavik.

Power of the mind

I have for the past week been puzzled about how my mind works, the energy which my thoughts consume, the energy which they give me, the time they take away when I am just staring, the opportunities which they offer me. The last weeks has been marked by big ups and down, which I account to the fact that I have been exposed to huge changes in my close personal sphere. The experience of being a student in Reykjavik this time is much different, in 2006 and had known and prepared for 6 months before coming here, I had just left my girl friend, I did not live with Anders, I had not met Anne, Rasmus had not been born. With these factors now influencing my life, a long with no time to prepare my self I have found my self in a state of mental stress, negatively affecting my mood and confidence.
Now after close to three weeks here I am noticing that my fluctuations are becoming smaller which boost my confidence and again reinforces my decission of going to Reykjavik altogether. Coming to this state of reducing the fluctuations has demanded a conscious effort in working on meaningful relationships here and maintaining my relationship to Anne and the people at home.
Over the past 5 days two changes has occured to strengthen my commitment, thursday last week I attended an AIESEC meeting and I immediately felt a sense of belonging and a much sought after feeling of contributing positively to others. And on a more personal level I attended a birthday of a class mate, thank you Alfred!
Good night

Isolation in others company?

It might be late, I might have just had a good night, but there is an issue on my mind which I can't let go! The question which flies around in my mind is "How is it possible to be alone around other people?"

As a student in university I am every day surrounded by people, hence I am socialicing. Though upon each and every encounter there is a significant emptiness. I do not hold anything aginst these people, but as soon as the interaction has ended immediatly comes the feeling of loneliness.

I take this as a lack of deep, emotional, meaningful relationships. I have these, but they are the ones I have isolated my self from by going abroad to do my master studies. Upon evaluating the opportunity I had not considered that it would hit this hard to be on a distance from everyone I love and care for. Though I thought of this when I was in Qatar, it did not reflect on an otherwise similar thought of going abroad to Iceland in stead. This is remarkable negilence in the assesment of opportunity cost, how foolish of me!!!

There are the people who I miss now; my family, mom, dad, Anders, Jeppe, Rasmus. Possibly even Anne more, you are the most unique, beautiful and giving individual I have ever met and I am grateful for everything we have together from chats to dinners and holidays. And of course there is also my nearest friends, Lars, Rene, Stig, Henrik, Kasper, Andreas, Thomas, I hope you are all doing well, and I now know how much value you added every day.

Typical how one only learns what one has when its gone.

Jesus christ

Loneliness

There is so much happening, many events, many new people, news 24/7, cell phones, email, chats, virtual and physical networks, though all of this surrounds me I still feel an, sometimes, overwhelming emptiness, solitude, yes quite frankly I feel alone.
It is odd since the amount of offers, options, electives and alternatives are larger than I ever remember. Its a difficult transition period for me since over the past two months I have found myself and it has become clear to me what matters and what does not. Among my top priorities are contact to my girlfriend, family, relatives and close friends. This means that certain hours are reserved for this, though at the same time my old priorities are still pulling me, things such as internet surfing, youtube, hanging out with school mates. This is all fine seen from my old perspective, but as it no longer correspond with who I am then I am actively pushing down these things on my everyday list in order to make space to what is of higher importance. This is not easier, the whole process of redefining myself come over two months, and now I see my self in a new environment, with new daily activities, in a new time zone, trying to implement the insights I have so painfully gained over the past months.
Nonetheless there is no doubt that the current situation is also an advantage, since with all habits and small everyday things being uprooted it allows for new personal order and life style to succeed the old.
This new order will be documented through regular blogging, frequent contact to those close to me and new ever exceeding goals.

A new beginning

So here I am, back the educational environment, a place I had only thought of returning to in a distant future. Anyhow I am back and my initial impressions and experiences are that this is the best I could do for my self at this time.

University is for me an avenue for me to put my thoughts into words. The clear frames which are set up for each of my subjects gives me a clear idea what I can and want to contribute with. This clarity also encourages me to be more ambitious. For the first time I can clearly see the path which is ahead of me, this stems from (a) I have given a lot of consideration to my choice of university, (b) I have additional perspectives from my work experience and (c) my priorities are very clear. This is a clear sign of increased maturity and hence focus which I have developed since I last attended university, and my hope is of course that this degree will give me additional possibilities for development as my bachelor did. 

I have tried to grow up fast, to achieve much in little time, and when I look back I feel I have seen and tried out what I could wish for in my first 25 years. Of course periods has been more hectic than others, but generally "carpe diem" expresses well how I have gone about living my life.

Now, I am again focusing on developing myself after a period of developing my surroundings. I still firmly believes that more success and life quality will come from developing and believing in that I can make the world around me a better place. And it starts with myself. To me that means I that what to be a role model to my self, I want to live in a way which is in compliance with my values and beliefs. I this pursuit I am grateful for the book my fantastic girl friend gave me for christmas "Ethics for Amador" which I finished just last week(I will come back to this book). Secondly, I concur with Mahatma Ghandi "Be the change you want to see in the world" thereby saying I am trying mine to change would I see needs change. I wish for my self to create a sphere around me which signals trust and ambition to change, this is a high ranking personal development project. More on this later.

;-)